Lesson #59 - Some Of The Best Stories Come From Weddings

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To say that 2009 was a whirlwind is surely not giving it the respect a year deserves. If you were to tell me that I would be getting married in January, I would have looked at your like there were snakes coming out of your eyes! Honestly, I hate being cold...I dislike cold months - except in cases of HUGE snowfalls because I love to go snowboarding. I digress.

My favorite month is actually October. I love to see the changing leaves and the weather begins to get slightly cooler. The whole Fall season is very enjoyable for me...so an October wedding just seemed logical. Well, being 4 months pregnant and in a bit of a bind sure hurries the process along - now, doesn't it??

What I am trying to say, my bloggy friends, is that the man and I will be celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary on Sunday. I really can't believe how quickly the past 12 months have gone. Though, I guess that is how things go once kiddos are introduced into the picture. I thought it would be appropriate to give everyone in my blog-topia a glimpse into our wedding day - which will be one of only a few days I will never forget!!!

As a wedding coordinator, I have seen weddings run the gamete...and I was quickly able to discern what NOT to do for my own big day! Wearing "plain" shoes was one of those things that I just couldn't see myself doing. I have a flair for the original and I wanted nothing more than to show that in the little details. I found my shoes online...they were an older Betsy Johnson style, which meant SALE!! Since our wedding colors were pink, black and white...these went perfectly!! I still wear them on occasion and thanks to those fabulous little inserts, they are actually quite comfortable!

Have I ever mentioned that my favorite color is pink?? No!! Well, consider yourself in the know, now! When I suggested that "hot pink" be one of our wedding colors - well, lets just say that I've never seen a man cry so quickly! Even though I knew that the man wasn't too fond of pink, I got him drunk to agree to my color choice by assuring him that it would only be in a few places. I never lied...I just forgot to mention that his boutonniere would be one of those places!! In addition to the lovely shade of pink, there would also be white feathers in there...because who DOESN'T love white feathers?? You?? Well, your opinion doesn't count!! Either way, it looked stunning against the black tux.

 

Another thing that only a select few people know about me is that I am VERY crafty! I love looking at things in magazines and saying to myself, "I can make THAT!" (Thanks for passing on my love for everything Martha Stewart, mom!) So, when I saw a certain Swarofski crystal brooch used for EACH bridesmaid's bouquet...of course I told myself I could make those!! Who needs to spend $75 EACH when you've got a viable craft store right down the street?! So, with letters, silver spray-paint, fake crystals, clear glue and tooth pick in hand...I made those brooches for $4 a piece - saving myself over $300 in total!

 

The pearls I wore are very close to my heart. The necklace was a gift from an aunt who passed away. The bracelet was a gift from my mother. Both have been through their share of events and I was so blessed to be able to wear them myself.

 

As for the dress...this was my best prize! I have wanted this dress ever since I saw it, but since the wedding was planned so quickly and I was pregnant there was just no way I could have it...or was there?!?! I found an awesome site online that is similar to classified ads for used wedding items. Now, I am not a fan of buying someone else's used clothing, but this was my dream dress and I. HAD. TO. HAVE. IT!!! Thankfully I found the only one listed on the site...in a size 4 (yikes)...for $3,000 LESS than I would have gotten it at a bridal salon. WOOHOO!! I paid the new bride my $500 and I was the new owner of a beautiful gown!!

 

Thank goodness it laced up the back!! Even though I was 4 months pregnant, I like to think that the babe and I looked quite stunning in our gown!

 

Ahhh, yes...the flower girl! Isn't she the cutest thing EVER?!?! Well, at the rehearsal she was SUPER excited about walking down the aisle...alas, when the pressure was on all she did was cry. After everyone was done walking out - and it was almost my turn - I looked at her and said, "No woman gets dressed pretty, has her hair did and then lets tears get in the way of her big day! You didn't wear that dress for nothing...do you want to walk out with me??" I don't think I've ever seen a bigger smile! She puffed out her chest and took my hand with authority. Then about 1/2 way down the aisle she saw he dad and RAN like the dickens...crying...oh well!! Stage fright gets the best of us sometimes!

 

The cliche picture of our hands - with rings - on the flowers...EVERY wedding photo album MUST have one!!

 

Last, but certainly not least, I leave you with a picture that our photographer caught...which was staged by your truly (ME!!). The man kept saying he just wanted to get me back to the hotel room - HELLO, 4 months preggo and POOPED - so I asked if he'd settle for an ass-grab instead...of course he would!! So as we spun, I told him to go for it...and SNAP! A picture for all of posterity!!

 

Happy Anniversary Honey!!! I love you more than words can describe!!

(Okay, okay...you can stop throwing up now...I'm done!)

Lesson #58 - Betting On The Big Dog Doesn't Mean You're Guaranteed Sex

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I am a huge football fan. I'm talkin' about yelling at the screen when a ref. makes a horrible call or if a player is being an idiot with the ball. During the regular season, the man and I root for the same team - our hometown heroes. When Superbowl time comes around, though, our tastes usually differ.

This year the man decided he would root for the "obvious winner" in last Sunday's game. I think it is because he is a Farve fan...so picking the Vikings just seemed like the right choice for him. I have always been one to support the underdog...and I don't like Farve so much - say what you want but the man needs to retire...give it a rest already!!!

The Man (before the game started): Who do you want to win?
Me: I'm really rooting for the Saints...I think they deserve to win.
The Man: I think the Vikings are going to win...you wanna bet on it??
Me: Sure. What do you want to bet?
The Man: It depends. What are you willing to lose?

Now, see right there...that last comment...the man was getting cocky and the game hadn't even begun yet. That is okay, though...he ended up getting his - or not ;)

Me: I don't know what I want to win...I still have 38 minutes to decide...what do you want?
The Man: A back massage.
Me: That it??
The Man: And a blow job.
Me: Seriously?!?! That is it??
The Man: Yeah. Let me know when you think of something.

Me (35 minutes later): I know what I want.
The Man: Okay, what?
Me: A day of pampering...get my hair did, my nails did, my make-up done (by a pro, of course), and a new outfit.
The Man: Are you kidding me??

**crickets**

Me: Well...no...you can just buy me and the babe new outfits.
The Man: Looks like it is time for the babe's nap. Hurry, lets put her to sleep before the game starts!

I ended up falling asleep and staying asleep through the first quarter. I woke up because my tummy was talking to me and noticed the score was even. It stayed that way through dinner and the rest of the evening. For those of you who saw the game, you know that they ended up going into OT...and guess who won the bet???

The babe and I have been pouring ourselves over the latest and greatest fashions trying to figure out what exactly we're going to make the man buy us!!

Lesson #57 - A Hungry Man = An Angry Man

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Maybe he wasn't TOTALLY angry...but I could tell that the man was getting agitated at the lack of sustenance in his tummy. He wasn't at home - he was still at work - but that sound in his voice is unmistakable. Thankfully I had gone to the grocery store the evening before - after getting home from work and picking up the babe! I wasn't sure what would come of the beef chuck, spicy sausage and beans that I got - among other things - but was so happy to have it on hand. The man was whining because he was so hungry...so into the kitchen I went to begin my creation.

I decided to pull out the crock pot and try my hand at making chili. Now, my mom makes an award-winning chili (seriously, people...its FABULOUS) and the man is a chili snob...so I was a little apprehensive about not following a recipe for something so monumental! Surprisingly, the chili came out amazing!! For those of you who want a great meal that can be started the night before and simmered the following day...I present:

Working Mommy's Extremely-Fabulously-Crock-Pot-Of-Chili-Filled-Yumminess

3 pounds of beef chuck
5 spicy sausages (or regular, if you don't want things too spicy)
2 8-ounce cans of cut tomatoes
1 6-ounce can of tomato paste
1 can of dark or light red kidney beans
Garlic Powder - to taste
Chili powder - to taste
Salt - to taste

Take a little extra virgin olive oil and brown the chuck first - to make sure it has plenty of flavor. As each batch browns (I couldn't do it all at once because the pan just wasn't big enough) just plop it into the crock pot. The crock pot I used for this chili was 6.5 quart model.

After browning the beef chuck, take the sausages and peel the casing off. You can do this by cutting each sausage in half and peeling back the casing. Brown the sausage in the same pan as the chuck - the flavors will come up from the bottom (YUM)! Like the chuck, each batch should go into the crock pot.

Once all the meat is browned, open the tomatoes and pour them on top of the meat. Then the tomato paste goes in and the beans should follow right behind.

Add in the garlic powder, salt and chili powder to taste. I use a Mexican chili powder - which is spicier than normal chili powder - because the man and I are gluttons for punishment :)

Then cook your chili for hours upon hours upon hours on low...or hours upon hours on high if you're super hungry. Mine cooked for 8 hours on low - but it really tasted better the next day because it had time to sit, I think. Feel free to top with cheese or sour cream if you'd like!

We couldn't have chili without some VERY tasty biscuits!!! Wait one second, though...I don't know of any biscuits that haven't come out of a can. I couldn't make a killer chili recipe and then dud biscuits...that just wouldn't do! Thank goodness The Dumb Mom came through with an absolutely wonderful - and easy - biscuit recipe!!!

3 cups flour
4 tsp. baking powder
about 1/4 cup sugar (use less if you don't like 'em sweet)
1 tsp salt
1 cup milk
1/4 cup of Crisco (butter flavored tastes better)
1/2 cup butter (margarine sticks taste better)
OR
3/4 cup of butter and omit the Crisco (Crisco really does make 'em better)

Stir all the dry stuff together and then cut in the butter and Crisco.  It'll be lumpy.  Then add milk and stir until all moistened.

Turn dough onto floured surface and knead about 5 times (don't knead the crap outta it or the biscuits will be all hockey-puckish).

Roll the dough out until they are about 3/4 inch thick.

Get out a wide mouthed drinking glass and cut them like you do with roll out cookies (more civilized people might use a cookie cutter or biscuit cutter, but I go with the glass myself and if I'm in a hurry I just tear 'em with my hands into small chunks.  They come out lumpy looking when you do that and I sorta like 'em that way). *The portion in italics is RIGHT for Dumb Mom's mouth...or fingers, since she did type this to me!

Place biscuits on an un-greased cookie sheet about an inch or two apart.

Cook in a 450 degree oven for around 10 minutes.  May take more, may take less.  Depends on your oven and where you have your rack placed and all that.

HAPPY EATING EVERYONE!!!!!

Lesson #56 - Always Have Two Pairs Of Shoes Handy

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Welcome to "Transient Tuesdays"...I am glad that you decided to stop by! Have a seat, kick up your feet and enjoy this week's post from The Frog Mama. From living in Mulletville to getting her blog hijacked by Frog Man...this lady tells it like it is. Below is her experience in her boss's shoes!!!

One day, not so long ago, my boss looked at my feet and asked, "What size shoe do you wear?" When I told her "seven and a half," she took off her shoes and handed them to me, then looked expectantly at my feet.

Apparently she needed to run an errand and her shoes were giving her blisters so she wanted to borrow mine for a few hours.

Ew, ew, and ew again.

There are certain things that skeeve me out; sharing shoes is one of them. Also on the list? Sharing straws, gum, and spoons (but oddly, not forks). The words "moist" and "washcloth." The sound of anything liquid poured into a cup, especially milk. Listening to someone sing in an intimate setting (I get embarrassed for them, even if they're doing well). And eating homemade baked goods at work functions (I can't get past the image of people in their bathrobes and curlers licking their fingers).

I did what I could to dissuade my boss—I claimed that my feet were sweaty, my shoes uncomfortable, my stumpy heels…stumpy—but she wouldn't hear it. She whipped out a bottle of Shower to Shower, sprinkled my shoes, and fled.

So there I was, stripped of my one-inch-heeled, Nine West, four seasons' old black shoes and upgraded to her five-inch-heeled, designer lacey strap-ons.

You know how you liked to walk around the house in your mom's (or dad's) shoes when you were a kid? How it made you feel kind of big and badass? That's kind of how I felt: abnormally taller, wobblier, and badder (after I got over the initial skeeve factor). The heels didn't exactly go with my outfit (I may live in Mulletville but I don't usually pair hooker heels with gray pants and a cardigan) but yah, I strutted around like a happy little rooster.

Then she came back. Barefoot.

"I thought my shoes were bad," she said.

She put my shoes on my desk and waited for me to hand over the goods, which I did, albeit reluctantly. My shoes looked kind of sad and forlorn after that. Kind of librarianish. Kind of ew.

But hey, I learned a valuable lesson that day. If you want a raise from your boss, let her walk a mile in your shoes.

Just For Fun - Post-It Note Tuesday

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Lesson #55 - Who Needs CAPS Lock When You've Got Vinyl {Giveaway}

The winners of the Pumpkin Sack giveaway are...

Comment #10 - Image Interpreters
and
Comment #4 - Our Little Family

CONGRATS!!!

**********

I am an outspoken type of person - if you hadn't guessed yet - so what better way to push force express my thoughts to those who enter my home than putting those words on my walls...in the form of vinyl?!?! I mean, who WOULDN'T want 8-inch letters spelling out, "Don't Forget To Flush" in every bathroom...or "That Dish Won't Wash Itself" above the kitchen sink?!?! Ok, ok...if you're a little less sarcastic, then you could always post your little peanut's birth stats on a bedroom wall. Oh the wonderful things one can write in vinyl!!!

 

 

 

The best thing is that there are more color and font choices than you can shake a stick at!!

When I came across ePLUSc, which is supposed to be read as e+c (like Etc.), I was so excited that I, too, could now cover the interior (and heck, probably the exterior too) of our happy home in vinyl sayings!! Erica and Carly are sisters who are just as spunky and active as I am and I absolutely LOVE their description of themselves:

Erica is a creating, internet-surfing, sleeping, laughing, socializing, hair-cutting momma to an energetic toddler boy and darling newborn girl, and wife to a great husband.

Carly is a drawing, creating, laughing, sleeping, exercising, water-skiing, gourmet-food-cooking, race-running, stiletto-wearing momma to a sweet baby boy, and wife to an awesome husband.

Together, they are two sodapop-drinking, popcorn-eating, sunbathing, Lake Powell-loving, baby-kissing sisters who love to create.

Giveaway:
There will be 2 winners of this giveaway!! Each winner will receive a $10 credit towards the creation of a customized vinyl wall art saying.

Here are the rules...please leave a separate comment for each entry:
3 entries if you "follow" me - please comment and let me know
2 entries when you visit the ePLUSc Etsy site and tell me which color/font combination is your favorite
2 entries if you "heart" ePLUSc on Etsy
1 entry if you follow the ePLUSc blog
1 entry if you become a fan of ePLUSc on Facebook - please let me know what name it is under
1 entry if you share what saying you'd want to display in vinyl
1 entry if you "spread my education" on your blog
1 entry if you blog about this giveaway - please provide a link back to the post in your comment

Lesson #54 - Criminals Really ARE Idiots

I read about this just recently and couldn't help but share it:

A 29-year old guy was driving around Tennessee and figured he'd steal money out of a Coke machine outside of a Dollar General. Only problem was - he couldn't figure out how to get to said money in the machine. So, instead of just hopping into his car and trying to find another machine somewhere else - he decided it was a GREAT idea to just hook the machine to his truck and drag it down the highway.

Okay, so down the road goes this truck - never mind there are sparks flying every-which-way - and police following close behind...but not TOO close so as not to get any sparks onto the car. After 5 minutes of this, the machine comes off the chain and is sitting in the road. Can you imagine what some poor TN housewife was thinking when she was on her way home?? Just picture soccer mom driving back from her son's practice with his entire team in the van.

"Well, Jimmy, we can stop right here in the road if you're thirsty. Doesn't seem like a safe place to put a soda machine, but the distributors wouldn't have done it if they didn't think it would make money. A drive-thru soda machine...what a great idea!!"

I can see it now!!

Anyways, the police finally catch up to this hoodlum and used a Taser on his ass!! Okay, not directly on his ass, but they did zap him! Really?? Was that really necessary?? This moron just chained a soda machine to his truck in order to - what - pull it apart and get the money out?! Do you really think he is smart enough to figure out how to get away after he stops the truck?? I really don't think that Tennessee's finest had ANYTHING to worry about! Once I saw the video, though, I just laughed for HOURS...HOURS, I tell you!!! It is just THAT funny!

Without further ago...a video...for your viewing pleasure!!!



Gotta love the morons...without, whom, this world would be a VERY boring place!!

Award Sunday (and giveaway update)!!!

Only a few more hours to enter my giveaway here!!!

I am constantly in awe of the fabulous women I am connected with through my little corner of blog-topia. I can't express how grateful I am for each and every one of you - even if you only read and don't comment, I still love you ;)

Shandal at My Life in 3D and Heather at Fun, Fit, and Fabulicious gave me the Beautiful Blogger Award:

As much as I don't like following rules...I'll do it anyways. I'm supposed to share 7 things about me that might not be known. So here goes:

1. I was adopted.
2. I studied in Italy for 6 months in college.
3. I majored in Psychology.
4. Getting pregnant was a HUGE surprise!
5. When planning road trips, I always know where a hospital is located.
6. I suffer from a MAJOR case of diarrhea of the mouth
7. My Christmas tree is still up (ok, this one isn't really about me...but I thought I'd share anyways!)

The 7 bloggers I am passing this to are:

Social Climbers

Our Little Family

Apple Juice and Milk

 





I was then awarded the Honest Scrap award from Sandy at Moments of Mommyhood

Since I've already given 7 things (above)...I'm just going to pass this one on to:

Speaking of Witch

The Crazy Baby Mama

 Welcome to the Nut House

Nothing Less Than a Miracle

Lesson #53 - I Am Thankful For Little Delays...Even If Traffic Is Involved

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On Tuesday, one of my bloggy-friends, Coffee With The Mrs., posted a story - here - about how she didn't have to learn the hard way to be thankful for the little delays in life...because it may very well spare you major bodily injuries, or at the very least some damage to your car. Not more than 24 hours later, I was caught in a similar situation where I found myself stopping to breathe and thanking work, for once, for taking longer than usual.

I was sitting at my desk and the clock hit quitting time...my FAVORITE time of day!! Then I suddenly remembered an email I had to send out...ugh! I hate it when I forget to add things to my to-do list during the day. Well, I could very well leave without sending out the information filled piece of electronic communication...so back down in my chair I sat and began pecking away at my keyboard. As I typed furiously - I get a call from a VIP. Of course, as much as I wanted to, I could just get off the phone. Damn...should have just let it ring! Before I knew it, I was leaving almost an hour late!! I can usually make up a little bit of time by racing through traffic, but an hour?!?!

Finally my car was calling my name...thank GOODNESS!!! I got behind the wheel and started the engine. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I realized that traffic had backed up from the highway to where my exit was - which is only a few feet from the parking lot of my building. Boooo...I hate traffic!! A nice soul let me into his lane (thank you, sir, license plate 5TH20W). It took me a while until I was able to merge onto the highway. Once I did, though, things moved much faster than expected.

I was zooming down the road until I got close to the exit for my casa. It was then that I turned up the radio to hear a guy talking about an accident that had just taken place. Apparently a truck driver thought he was in the Daytona 500 and got a little carried away with his speed. His truck flipped and the clean-up had closed down 3 of the 4 lanes of traffic. I really couldn't believe that had happened and it made me think back to that last-minute call I got at the office. Had I not taken that call, and let it go to voicemail, I would have zoomed right by my usual exit to the next one over - which is actually closer to my house. Had I done that, I would have been closer to the truck accident that took place only 15 or 20 minutes before I got there.

Someone was definitely looking out for me that afternoon!! What about you?? Have you had any close-calls that have made you think about what could have happened if your schedule was just a little altered??

Lesson #52 - Husbands Are A GREAT Source Of Entertainment

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The hubs and I love playing our Wii! We both also need to get our butts in shape! The solution was him purchasing the Wii Fit Plus for me for Christmas. I don't know if any of you have gotten this, but it is great...I mean, like lost 4 pounds in a week, great! Sure you need to cut back on the calorie intake and set up a workout regimine...but it is completely worth the $99 price tag!!

There are a number of workouts, yoga exercises/stretches, aerobics and then the best parts - the games!! One of the more entertaining games is the Hula Hoop "contest". This can be played alone or with multiple players. Like all of the other games, though, your time isn't saved if you are playing the multi-player option. I digress.

So, anyways, I am a huge fan of hula hooping...I mean, it is one of my most memorable childhood past times. When I first tried the game, I didn't score too high...I think it was only 150 points or something. Then it was the man's turn. Wouldn't you know it...he beat me...by DOUBLE!!! I'm sure he would have gotten more points had he not been laughing so hard. Why was he laughing so hard, you ask?? Well, it was because I was laughing at him!!! Laughing so hard that I almost had milk coming out of my nose - had I been drinking milk!*

Never have I ever seen a man so determined to get a high score in hula hooping. The way he was moving his hips was just the best form of entertainment I could have ever asked for! I kept threatening to take a video of the craziness as it was unfolding so that I could post it on this here portion of blog-topia. Well, I was told that wasn't going to happen...and if it did, I would not like the outcome. So, instead of seeing the man rocking out to some hula hooping fun...I found a similar video of another guy getting his groove on!! Enjoy!



*Note: It is NOT a good idea to drink milk during ANY sort of exercise. Water should be your beverage of choice.

Lesson #51 - Some Of The Best Inventions Come From The Japanese

**Don't forget to enter my giveaway HERE...or click on the "Get Rewarded" button for other giveaway information!!** 

I was reading some article yesterday about this cute little monkey that was born in a Japanese zoo. Don't ask me which one...I wasn't paying THAT much attention! It made me realize that I wanted a monkey to call my very own...and then I remembered that taking care of the man AND the babe is quite similar to having a monkey in the house. Alas...no little orange monkey for me, I suppose! Unless, of course, I overfeed the babe only orange solid foods...then she'd turn orange and it would be even more similar to the little monkey. It has happened, people, it is true!

So anyways, then I decided to do a search for other neat funny rare oddities straight out of Japan. I then came across this CLEAR fish!! The caption for the picture read: "Japanese researchers have succeeded in producing goldfish whose beating hearts can be seen through translucent scales and skin, as pictured in this handout photo from Mie University."

 

Really?? I mean, I didn't know there was a market for something like a clear goldfish. When I was kid we only orange...maybe a black or white one...and IF you got to the pet store on their delivery day then you MIGHT be lucky enough to find a multicolored one - but that was a HUGE if! So then I really got on a roll and decided to search specifically for Japanese inventions.

 

Did you know that since the refrigerators in Japan are so small that researchers found a way to force watermelons to grow in the shape of a square?!?! It is true!! That way the fruit an easily fit on the door and not take up so much space in the main part of the fridge. GENIUS if you ask me!! Makes me want watermelon...and summer :(

 

The final invention I have for you today is the "hayfever hat"...don't we all wish we owned one of these around allergy season?? I don't suffer from seasonal allergies, but I know people who do...and they use a TON of tissues! What could be better than a roll of toilet paper on your head at all times?! Talk about an awkward interview!!

**NOTICE: I do not have anything against the Japanese or the country of Japan...in fact, I have traveled to Japan 4 times to visit family on my mom's side - she is Japanese.

Just For Fun - Post-It Note Tuesday

**Don't forget to enter my giveaway HERE...or click on the "Get Rewarded" button for other giveaway information!!**

**Click HERE to read this week's Transient Tuesday post from The (Un)Experienced Mom**


Everyone is doing it - so go make your own post-its and then LINK-UP with SUPAH!

 

 

 

 

 

Lesson #50 - Never Drive In England

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Welcome to "Transient Tuesdays"...I am glad that you decided to stop by! Have a seat, kick up your feet and enjoy this week's post from The (Un)Experienced Mom. While I do not share her exact situation, I definitely feel like no one can ever become an "experienced" parent...no matter how hard we try. This is one funny lady, folks. Please enjoy her travel tales from England!!!

Since many of you aren't familiar with me or my blog, The (Un)Experienced Mom, let me take a moment to introduce myself.

I am the mom of two boys under 3 years old and was a therapist before I became a SAHM. I started my blog to encourage moms to accept the easy and hard times in motherhood. Why did I call it The (Un)Experienced Mom? Because even after having two kids, I still feel like a rookie most days! Oh, and I am also an honorary Brit. No, I wasn't knighted by the Queen Mum, but I did marry a British man which means I am pretty close to royalty, right? Most of you might be thinking, "That's so cool that you married a British guy who has a sexy accent!" And you'd be right. Sexy....check! Accent...double check! And I get to vacation in England every 12-18 months (if you can call staying with your mother-in-law in a cracker-jack-box cozy home for 2 weeks a vacation). I admit, it's pretty cool, but I can't help feeling so out of place when I am there.
For starters, I never remember that the driver's side is the right side of the car. I can't tell you how many times I've opened up the driver's side thinking it was the passenger's side, only to see hubby looking at me with a smile and asking "You driving?" Or how many times I've almost gotten run over because I look the wrong way at intersections (it's a very good thing that they have written, in really large white letters: LOOK LEFT or LOOK RIGHT for idiots like me!). Recently, I started to think about whether or not I'd ever be able to drive over there. What if something happened to my hubby when he was driving and I needed to take the wheel? Besides not knowing how to drive stick, which most of the cars are in England, I have NO idea what most of the signs mean. Seriously. Let's take a look at some and see if you could figure them out!

If I was driving and I saw this sign, I'm pretty sure I'd be thinking, "What?! Is my car going to explode?" I have never seen a sign like that in this country, so I had no clue what it meant. After looking it up, I found out it means, No Vehicles Carrying Explosives. Really? We need a sign for this? Shouldn't that be a rule no matter what? And if it's around a construction site, shouldn't the vehicle on the sign be a truck instead of a passenger car?

So I had to look this one up, too. For starters, I don't know what a verge is. Do you? When I saw this sign, I thought, "Does this mean I have to drive on the curb for 2 miles?" It actually means that for 2 miles, there is a soft shoulder or no curb. I'm not really sure why you'd need to know that unless you were driving on a cliff somewhere and you liked to drive dangerously close to the edge of the road.

This one made me think, "Is this a warning that people will randomly be driving off the edge of the road?" But it actually means that there is a Quay Side or Riverbank (by the way, I thought QUAY was "ke-way" but hubby said it sounds like "key"). This means just what it says....be warned that there is a body of water nearby, so drive extra carefully. And maybe be aware of those drivers around you who are depressed...just in case. I asked hubby why you'd need this sign, because unless a road just suddenly stopped at the river and there were no gates to stop people, this sign doesn't really seem necessary. He told me they would use it at a loading dock. Ok, so that makes sense.

I've actually seen this sign in person. I knew what it meant because of the picture, but the wording had me cracking up. Of course, my mind immediately went there. I've never heard of a road bump referred to as a hump. Makes sense, sure, but when they were coming up with this sign, didn't they think it sounded just a little dirty? They couldn't have found another synonym for bump?

I had to include this sign because it's hilarious! Obviously this sign has something to do with watching out for old people. (The actual wording for this sign is "Watch out for frail elderly people"). But I don't remember ever seeing a sign like this around here. Then again, I don't frequent old folks' homes. In this example, this sign is ironically posted right by a sign pointing to a nearby cemetary. That's just not right!

Last but not least, those pesky roundabouts. I remember the first time I saw one of those, I was utterly intimidated. And honestly, I am still intimidated. I sit and study what's going on when we pull up to one. It's really pretty simple in theory; it's essentially like a 4-way stop over here. Except, I get very nervous at a roundabout. The only one we have around here is in a residential neighborhood and I am usually the only one going around it at the time. This picture pretty much sums up what it'd be like to go around a roundabout with me driving:

When I asked my hubby who has the right-of-way at a roundabout, he said he'd forgotten. He's been in the States for 8 years now and only been back to England a handful of times since then. I said to him, "How do you not remember? We're going back there in May and you're driving!" His answer was, "I'll figure it out before we go."  You bet I will be quizzing him on this on our descent into Heathrow.

So there you have it. My trips to England have taught me that even though I am a stellar driver over here, I have no business driving in the UK. I get into the wrong side of the car, I can't remember which way to look at an intersection, and I don't understand (and make fun of) the road signs. Let's just hope we never move there!